Special Calm E-Report

Self Forgiveness

Hello,

Forgiveness is a two-way process - forgiving another person and forgiving self. It is often misunderstood and under valued. With this E-Report I will endeavour to add a greater perspective.

Forgiveness in Meditation

I have written in my books and other E-Reports that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not for the forgiven, and that it is a very personal process. It is done so that we can move on in our lives, instead of harbouring thoughts of bitterness, resentment, hatred, anger, revenge and more. (If we harbour these thoughts then because of the fact that we listen to our own self talk, we move towards our thoughts and thereby become another victim - and ... we've done it to ourselves).

When you do a forgiveness process in meditation, who knows about it? No-one! Don't necessarily tell anyone! Forgiveness is for self. It's personal. Another advantage of doing forgiveness in meditation is that if you are not ready for it, you'll know. You won't be able to think the thoughts of forgiveness when you are in the meditation state - it's like "choking on the words". It is always a good test to see if you have truly forgiven - to do it in meditation.

The Three Selves Concept

A concept I believe is that we have three selves. The conscious self, the higher self and the basic self. The conscious self is easy to understand. The higher self is that part of us that sits between us and the soul. You contact the higher self more in meditation and it is that part of us that knows the lessons that we need this lifetime. The basic self is like the little child inside each of us - it's akin to the subconscious self.

The little child inside always likes to be in its comfort zone, know that it's taken care of, and it doesn't like to be hurt. When any of us goes into self guilt, self blame, self resentment, self anger, self hatred, lack of self worth, we are hurting that child inside of us. That child often cries out to be understood when it is in pain and is hurting. That little child is inside each of us and we need to take personal responsibility for that child. Love that child. Encourage that child. This is what loving "self" is ... taking personal responsibility for self. Forgiving ourselves for all the mistakes we have ever made!

Expanding on Our Own Thoughts

Whenever we tend to slip into guilt, we cause a problem for ourselves. I did that by asking that crazy question when my daughters were murdered. Why them? Why me? Re-framing the question it becomes "What have they done to deserve this? What have I done to deserve this?" When you ask yourself the wrong question then you get the wrong answer. Every wrong thing that I have ever done wrong in my life came up in my mind ... right back to childhood ... "You used to hit your little sister". How did this make me feel? Guilty! And I've done it to myself!

Guilt leads to blame and, guilt and blame lead to judgements. (So I now say that at any time we have a "guilt thought" coming up, then nip it in the bud, straight away. Say something like "Oh no, not that again. Now that I know more, I'll do better next time".)

It's easy to damage ourselves, and, who are we hurting? ... that little child inside. Judgements lead to resentment, jealousy, hatred, anger, revenge, unworthiness and more. We have probably all done it at some point in our lives and we can undo the process of hurting ourselves with Self Forgiveness. I had a lot of things in my life to work on ... all needed my self forgiveness.

Some More Examples of Using Self Forgiveness

Debbie Frank Ogg is a real person who is portrayed in a film that used to be called "Leap of Faith" (not Steve Martin's "Leap of Faith"!). She endured her mother dying of cancer when she was only seven years old.  Her father re-married and then died, leaving Debbie with her step-mother.  In her child's mind, Debbie's parents had abandoned her and she went through the associated feelings.  Hatred of her parents (for "abandoning" her), unworthiness and endeavouring to find love outside of herself (chasing after boys), resentment, blame, no warm childhood memories - only hurtful ones ... and Debbie finished up with cancer, like her mum at the same age.  When Debbie realised that things like nightmares were blocking her from working on her cancer, she sought help.  The Counsellor helped Debbie to identify issues which Debbie worked on with forgiveness of her Mum, Dad and Self and then in this process she began to "Love herself" - take responsibility for self.  After that the nightmares disappeared and she was able to work on her cancer in meditation ... and it went into remission.

It is fairly common in life that someone close to us dies when we have been experiencing some conflict.  We often beat ourselves up with the last memories of the deceased such as an argument, or when we stormed out, or slammed the phone down, or hadn't spoken to them for a long time, or spoke badly of them, etc... I'm sure you've got the picture.  Some people go into the "If only ..." ... "If only I had done so and so ..."  Some berate themselves to the degree that depression sets in and voice the "If onlys" and the "It's too late now" and the "I can't do anything now".  These thoughts hurt ourselves.  You can express yourself in prayer and/or in meditation and say what it is you want to (or would have wanted to) say ... everything that you left undone.  On some level I believe there is communication and you'll make that little child inside you feel better.  You can send your Love and Light to the soul of the deceased and then go through the self forgiveness process, e.g. I forgive myself for expressing hateful thoughts the last time I met with ... (and you say their name).

A friend of mine remarried and her new husband sexually abused her daughter ... which she didn't find out about until some time later.  My friend has forgiven her second husband (who of course is no longer part of the family) but she cannot forgive herself ... forgive herself for having brought her second husband into the lives of her children, particularly her abused daughter.  I imagine that she blames herself ... for seeking companionship, for seeking love.  My friend feels guilty.  She judges herself as unworthy and as selfish.  Can you imagine how much she is hurting herself - her own inner child.  I have encouraged self forgiveness and by the time I write this E-Report I do hope that she has started the process.

So, please go back through your life and ask yourself if there are any areas that you could serve yourself by taking responsibility for yourself, that is, love yourself, and do the Self Forgiveness process.  Know that my CD Peaceful Place No. 6 could be useful  [More Information].

Various Success Stories

I would like to share my feedback with you and all your readers.  I completed the course approx 5 years ago and have been using PP during that time.  I suffer from Myocarditis which is defined as inflammation
of the heart muscle and in my case causes an accelerated heart rate and chest pains - I have found that PP has help me greatly because I can control the heart rate and the pain by going to my Peaceful Place. I would like to thank you Sandy for helping me overcome and accept my health issues. MT, Sydney NSW

I still practise all your skills and meditate every day that I am at home.  I have taught one of my hyperactive grandsons (6 years)  to go to his Peaceful Place(PP) every night in bed before he goes to sleep, it helps him stop the restless tossing and turning that he used to do for at least an hour. He now demands his mother sit with him and talk him to his P.P. and he informed me that when he wakes at night he just goes to his PP now! CW Sydney

Useful Links

Next Sydney CALM Life Skills Seminar in Sydney is 4/5 November 2006 and see the schedule of CALM Seminars [Click Here].

On-line Shopping - Sandy's  Books, Audio Tapes, CDs and Videos [Click Here].

Background to the CALM Life Skills Seminar by Sandy [Click Here].

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