Special Calm E-Report

Never Forgive - until you're ready

Hello,

I've wanted to write this for quite some time because many people have said to me that they could never forgive.  My response has always been that that's OK.  I might add that when people have heard that I have forgiven, I have, amongst many positive reactions, also received a few negatives ... ones like "I am betraying my daughters", and "Why would I make the perpetrator feel OK?", and "It's sending a message of condoning of the murders" and "Only God can forgive" ... and more.

All these reactions or statements are understandable.  They are the same kind of things that I said to myself when I was first confronted with the thought of forgiveness.  The other thing that I believe these statements show is a different understanding of the topic, or the process of forgiveness, to my own. And as you may know, the understandings I have, were gained through a lengthy process of dealing with the painful experiences of the murder of my three beautiful teenage daughters.

Don't Even Think Of Forgiving

When the wounds (or the deaths) are really raw (close to the event) then I believe that nobody should even think of forgiveness.  If you are a supporter of anyone dealing with tragedy, then at this stage, don't even mention forgiveness.  The process of hatred and anger and thoughts of revenge are natural and I believe healthy in the early stages of grieving.

When the victim of a tragedy (the survivor) is feeling extreme bitterness, hatred, unbearable ongoing hurt, anger, revenge, then do not even think about forgiveness.  Every time you do (think about forgiveness) you will only feel more upset and hurt yourself.  There has been enough hurt - you don't need any more. I say to express your rage!  Vent your spleen, as much as you can, on the perpetrator, society, circumstances ... whatever you need to do to release your anger and hurt.  In your mind this will help, because by doing this, you will be preserving the love for your departed one(s), you will not condone the actions of violence, you will not help the perpetrator, right now this is a way of reassuring yourself that you are being loyal to your loved ones.

Forgiveness is a choice.  Only when you can bear to find out its meaning will you be able to investigate the purpose of forgiveness.

Handling The Trauma And Some Questions

Before I start on my explanation I want to pose a situation that too many people confront.  Six months on, or even twelve months (and more) after a tragedy in which you have lost a loved one, every time you think of the event, or the lost loved one, or the perpetrator, then you are hurt.  This hurt upsets you and you may become angry or you may show other emotions.  This has perhaps become a habit.  I know of a number of situations that by doing this it has affected relationships - one partner wants to move on and the other stays stuck in grief - a form of loyalty to the lost loved one.

To continue, another way the loss may be handled is not to think about the event.  Every time you think about it, you are hurt and emotional.  And as you don't want to do this to yourself, so you attempt to banish the thoughts from your mind.  I know of a situation whereby the parents of a lost loved one did not allow even the mentioning of that child's name in the house.  So for a while you feel you can cope with life.  Can you ever forget?  No! Never!  Your subconscious mind, your deep inner mind has always got the memory (and the habits).  This is the same mind that is your dream mind, but you don't have control over it.  So what happens?  Hot sweats, nightmares, unexplained anger, irrational actions!  Familiar?  This is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) caused by not fully processing the tragedy.  Today we have counsellors who help to do this.  It is always extremely important to talk and talk and talk ... do not bury your thoughts.

Let me ask a question.  How does your lost loved one want to be remembered?  I'll bet that they wouldn't want you to be hurt or emotional every time you think of them!  I think they would say something like "Hey Mum, remember the time when .... and we laughed and laughed ...."  Only happy memories would be their answer.  Ask them ... see if you get an answer inside of you!  You are the master of what you do to yourself.

Here are another series of questions to ask yourself when you are ready.  How are you handling your loved one's murder or death?  Does it hurt?  Is it painful?  Do you get angry?  And now the big questions ... Is this making you feel better, or worse?  Is this helping or hindering you to handle life?  And lastly, the questions ... Who has power over this?  Is there an alternative?

What is the Purpose of Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is for yourself only.  It is to help you to move on.  It does not condone any crime.  It does not give the perpetrator a signal to go out and do it again.  It is, I believe, a spiritual act and God is involved.  If we agree with God being omnipotent and omnipresent then we are not separated from God.  God is within each one of us.  We therefore, in the process of forgiveness of the perpetrator, we can do what is within our power.  What does the perpetrator do with your forgiveness?  That's up to them.  The perpetrator may make peace with God, may be remorseful, may understand how many lives they have severely affected, and may ask for forgiveness from God.  Whatever they do is not your responsibility.  You are primarily responsible for yourself only.

One way of forgiving can be done in meditation. Why do I recommend this way? Because it is a test of whether you really mean it or not.  Whether you have released the bitterness, anger, hatred, resentment, etc...  It may be easy for some to say out loud "I forgive you" and not mean it at all.  When you do this in meditation and you don't really mean it, then you will choke on the words. You won't be able to say it in meditation if you don't mean it.  What do you do then?  Work more on releasing anger, acceptance, letting go, and unconditional love.

So, please only forgive when you are ready and always, yes always, remember the good events.  Flood any negative memories with those good events by visualising them taking place again inside your mind. I encourage you to practise forgiveness in every day life and observe how you feel - only when you are ready.